he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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