wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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