If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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