i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
