So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
