Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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