just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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