ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
