Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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