Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
