The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
