I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
