and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
