i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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