a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize