He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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