I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
