she woke up with a sticky ear
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
