So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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