Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
