Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
