Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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