Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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