I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
