If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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