i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did I show you my penis last night?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
