but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
