Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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