I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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