I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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