The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
