Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
