dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
