there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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