i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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