I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
