in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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