I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
