Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
