Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
