apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
