chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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