I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
