i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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