If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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