its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
