just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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