He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
