So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you had me at cake vodka
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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