Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
