Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
