we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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