the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
