you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i came on her dog
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
