I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I skipped work to stalk him.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
