when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
