Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
