I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
