Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
