i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
