Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
