Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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