so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
