riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
