6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am spending my child support on dildos
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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